Hey everyone…
You might think that I’ve been on vacation this whole summer vacation, but really I haven’t and I’ve been working my ass off lately…
But also, I’m having problems with my personal life now… I just either want to run away from home or just do something to get rid of this problem of mine and unfortunately an ultimate decision might have to be taken which is very unlikely but can sadly happen…
Its about relationship with my parents and how they have been treating me… Probably ever since I was a kid… I noticed that they don’t take much trust in me at all. I don’t know why… Probably because of how I make my decisions and stuff like that… They probably think I’m not wise… But you know what, forcing me to a religious thing isn’t helping me at all. Okay this feels awkward and its killing me right now but I seriously think that its time to get this out of me and say it to the public… I am a catholic person, but not dedicated as any other modern individuals in this modern day of life. We and/or I live in a liberated country, possibly world, and I just want to be one of them. I feel like I’m in jail and being kept in it eternally. I just don’t have the faith in me to actually be a devout catholic. It feels like I’m a hypocrite if I’m praising God even though I feel that the place where I’m doing my praising are full of hypocrites. Of course I’ve read parts of the bible. The Christian bible that is… My boss where I currently work is a Jehova’s Witness. If you know the Witness and know they’re ethnics about their faith and beliefs, I believe that they are more devoted to their faith than Catholics. Even Islam people are even more devoted than any other faith background, though sometimes I believe taken in to an overwhelming way. Some of my friends who were my classmates in a catholic high school have had the Christian bible in their lives, and believe that its full of BS. They know for a fact and read the bible for themselves to prove that Christians shall not have gay or lesbian individuals in the Christian religion, but we know and have heard through the news and even in the Christian community that there are gay priests. I don’t understand why Catholics are full of BS, but they are. My boss said back in his early days in a Catholic high school that the schools don’t allow males to have moustache or any other facial hair at all, but they were allowed to smoke. Teachers who teach in a Catholic school would literally smack their students with a phonebook to the head. Priests actually hated or had a grudge with at least one student.
Anyways, I’m not trying to bash the Catholic or Christian religion, but come on… Why are we being hypocrites in front of our Lord? I know for sure as I have done it myself, and I admit that I only go to those filipino religious events for food.
I suggest and I am not ever gonna say I believe because it makes me sound that I want to be God, but rather I want to sound like an individual who wants to actually voice something out… Anyways… I suggest that each person when they are old enough (which I am) to have their own choice of their way of life. I don’t think anyone cares anymore except your parents who were born before the 80s, and the devout religious individuals. I have nothing against about every religion, but at least mind your own business. If I try to make you do something, I don’t force you to do it, I personally and I want to know if you’re okay (emphasize OKAY) to do it.
Back to my wise choices… As I said, my parents don’t trust me. Possibly 100% no trust in me about what I do. They think that I’m just in front of my computer the whole day (which is true), and not doing anything else at home (which is also true), and they probably think that I just play games and chat with friends online (which is also true). But one thing that they don’t know that is true is that I actually research on what I want to do with my life. I actually look for ways to starting my life up independently. From how to start a business, and learning how to retouch and look at illustrations for inspiration. I’ve been buying artbooks to inspire me about doing some sketches in my head for future designs. I think I’m more ambitious than my brother. My dad just wants us to live a proper life and not return to an apartment. I am going to be honest about this, but its not a good move. One thing I don’t like is skimping on essential things especially food. When I come home, of course there’s food at home, but at least something easy to cook that I actually like to eat. I thought my family comes to eat something good everyday, but I seriously don’t even know what my parents make for dinner. They always make something that looks like vomit. They force me to eat something, which again I don’t like to be forced to do something. Its like abuse if they’re actually trying to make me eat something deadly.
Another thing why I hate my life right now is because of equality. I’m not talking about racism, though I wish that could be eliminated, but how higher ups treat the lower downs do their thing if you know what I mean… I’m not being perverted here… Anyways, I definitely would forgive someone if something happens to any of my stuff, and my friends. But it cannot happen in my situation, because my parents are not fair. At least to me as far as I know. They don’t trust me and they want me to do things their way. I know there are restrictions, but I think their restrictions are over doing it. Moving out is my option or running away from home and leaving everything is another. I would actually rather go homeless and go to an isolated area. I don’t want to be involved with those drug addicts, prostitutes, and all those other stupid people who have done stupid things in their life. I know people might think that my decision of moving out and being homeless is stupid, but at least its my relief from all the stress in my head. I’m actually at a point of wrecking everything in this house or in this world. But fortunately, I don’t do that except to my possessions that are cheap. Leaving everything behind seems like a better option, but I have a dream to achieve…
All I want to do is get to school by September 2008, finish and graduate in 2010 and get in to my career of choice. But now its starting to fade… Slowly… I feel like draining and my brain is ready to blow up any time now… I feel like I want to run away and see myself being homeless which I don’t want to.
Anyways, I have driving class from Monday to Thursday from 9am-3pm. I’m going to be getting my G2 by April. But with all of this things in my head, I feel that I shouldn’t attend it yet as I am feeling very agitated and if I had my G2, I wouldn’t be driving, though it might take away my stress but I might crash into something, so I’d rather not.
Back to my problem about my parents…
They don’t have that much connection to me… Or at least from my perspective. I wish I had more connection since it does feel like they’re not my parents at times, especially when they come home and don’t say hi. At least my mom says it once in a while, but when she talks to me on the phone, she hangs up on me without at least saying ‘bye’. So what am I? A nobody? And my dad tells me that I treat them like nobody… Like they’re my slaves or my lower idiots. Figures that I’m like this because I think of how they raised me and failed miserably. Due to that, the problem is passed on to me now, and I believe that they do have the problem as well, but that is because they messed up in raising me. My brother grew up with my parents most of his childhood until he was in his double digit years. I practically only grew up with my mother because my dad worked overseas in UAE until we moved here to Canada almost 7 years ago. I was born in ‘89. My dad never lived under the same roof until I was 11. I think that’s the reason why I’m not that close to my dad compared to my mom. Maybe if my life went another way I wouldn’t have this problem right now, but as the Catholic’s say, its God’s plan… Well… I just want to know what is God’s plan for me right now… I’m in a verge of collapsing, and I just want to fade… Good thing suicide is not my thing. Well, my dream is probably keeping me from it, and I promised myself not to let go of that dream. I guess I still got my Christian faith in me. I guess I am wise afterall!
Also, another thing is I want to be independent. I don’t want to get help or ask for help, I’d rather do things myself, and I’d rather help other people as what I’ve been doing at conventions, helping people who have questions, actually helping people who are stranded especially of what happened today… Me and my friends were walking along Spadina. My parents would probably tell me if they were there to not help the person… But me and my friends did. The person got his car stuck in a parking lot and it ran out of gas. He came all the way from Peterborough, and needed a couple of bucks to fill one of those red tanks for fuel to refill your car when it runs out of fuel. He needed it to get his car out of the parking lot to the nearest gas station. Am I helping a good guy or a bad guy? Either way I helped someone. Maybe to get away from the cops or to actually get home, but at least I helped someone. I think the bible said love your neighbours, or love your enemies and forgive or something like that. I did just that. I personally hate people who asks for stuff from strangers, but I helped a random stranger. I loved my enemies. That’s all that matters. I don’t understand the logic of religious people out of their religious boundaries to not help random strangers. I know for sure my parents tell me all the time not to meet up with strangers or don’t help random strangers or they might stab me because of the news on the television. I’m sure mind boggled… I just don’t understand them… Are they for God and their religious beliefs? or are they for themselves who are actually selfish as they are? I for sure I know that I might sound selfish since I want to do all of these things. My parents think that I want to do what I want for myself and not for others. Well, they don’t know much about my short term goals rather than the long terms. Probably because I never talked to them about my short term goals. My short term goal is to open up a small business like a printing business for people who need prints of their art for selling, or photo retouch. But really, money is not my thing, but rather helping people. I just need the money to actually do something in this world, but I can’t. Its difficult to accomplish something and takes a lot of patience which I’ve been doing this whole time. I am waiting patiently to purchase a Canon 40D SLR camera for studio professional use to work as a freelance photographer. I for sure will not charge for a whole lot, but money is needed to keep the business going. When I get that, I can earn some money to move on. Its not the fame that I am after, but rather be able to server others with my talents and my knowledge. I feel that when I’m in that religious thing that I used to attend to, I feel powertripped. All the time whenever there is a “leader”/”president”/”executive leader”/”coordinator”/”braggers about their title,” powertripping always happen. I know for sure that its unavoidable, but my only way to avoid it is to isolate myself from those kind of idiots. I don’t mind you preaching in front of me or forcing me to do something, but at least acknowledge me for what I do and what I am. Its just something that I cannot stand at all. I’m not saying about it exclusively towards the religious people or the preachers, but in general. They think they’re better than anyone else. I don’t mind people who complain, I just tell them, “Oh you complain so much,” and I shut up, and it doesn’t really relate to whatever I’m saying right now. But my question to them is do they acknowledge what they do? Are you really helping others with your power? What are you outside of your leadership? Do you force people around? Do you take advantage of your colleagues, and friends? Do you to things as yourself? Are you a leader or do you work because you want the title and fame? Well, you’re full of BS and your a hypocrite. If you work to just take advantage of everything around you, you might as well buy your own country. I just want a quiet life without forcing me to do things or me forcing others to do things. I just prefer to be myself and not change. Its not something that I am afraid of, but its me, and that is the unique me. I guess I have a motto now: “Independency gives you something to dream for and eventually achieve it.”
Man, I sound like a selfish bastard, but at least I’m helping other people along the way…
Here’s actually what I don’t like about life right now…
- People who bosses me around. I don’t mind if you’re paying me to boss me around. An exception is if your place is really messy, then I’ll let you boss me around without pay, but I’ll have to complain at least a couple of times before I start working. And the complaining will consist of: “What the hell?!?!?” and “Wow…”
- People who don’t trust me. I feel useless when someone doesn’t trust me.
- Touching and moving my stuff which I paid for with my own money without permission. This might be contradicting what my parents think since I always touch their stuff, but I always return it in good condition. (Note the good condition. I never stated returning the items borrowed in its original place.) But they leave everything they have in the middle of the floor anyways, especially in the living room and the basement. My workplace right now, honestly is not in good condition and I definitely would want to clean out the warehouse and the office, but I’m not ask for it, and its not part of my job description.
- People who thinks other peoples room has to be clean all the time. Of course there are times when it has to be, but its your own room, the only place where you can have peace of mind.
- Powertrippers. Damn they’re annoying.
- Keeps calling me all the time for an errand they can do themselves perfectly with flow and grace. That sounded so stupid, but yes, once is enough, 17 times in one day up and down the stairs is not an errand anymore, but rather slave work and unpaid work. I’m not saying I want money for doing small errands, but at least don’t waste my time. At least be efficient with your time and my time. If you tell me to bring something to you once, fine, but telling me to do things one after another is annoying. Write whatever you want me to do for you, and I’ll bring it without complaint. But at least write it down so I don’t have to hear someone telling me what to do.
- One thing I especially cannot stand is miscommunication. I always try to understand whatever you’re saying, but come on, don’t speak with an accent that makes me feel like I’m talking or listening to an idiot. It makes me feel like an idiot too.
- People who tells me that I’m a stupid person. Worst is hinting it to me. One, I am not stupid, and two, if I don’t understand what you’re saying or you don’t help me understand whatever you’re trying to convey to me, then you’re the stupid one. I cannot work efficiently without proper training. If I cannot work efficiently, I don’t do a good job. Talking to my back is just plain wrong. I’ll use profanity right now, but FUCK, equality man. Don’t talk back to me and I won’t talk back to you. One thing I actually never do is start a back talk about someone. Its always someone else that starts it, and I just say whatever I feel about the person. Usually good words are coming out of me, but I can be honest, but I would usually be telling the person about my problem about his/her ethics. Strangers are an exception, since they don’t know me, and I don’t know them.
Well… hopefully this clears up a little bit of my stress… Hopefully I’ll be able to write up frequent blogs again in the future!
By the way, congratulations to the olympic athletes in the 2008 Beijing games!
